A long break from writing

I know I was never consistent before either. I notice that I stop writing or socializing when I am either feeling down or very busy. I just have had a long break from wanting to express myself in a public forum. I was very excited about life for a while when I felt like I had met the love of my life. Now, I am not sure if I was completely correct. I still feel she is a wonderful person, just may not have been the person who would be my life partner. Maybe I am wrong. Let us see where life leads us.

Maybe I got upset too quickly and was in a hurry to protect myself from hurt. I wonder if I just got tired of her feeling unsure of taking this big step. She would have to leave the security of family behind and go to a foreign land with two kids. In one way I understand, but it still hurt to have her vacillate time and again. It felt like she did not trust me to look after what would in effect be my family too, not just hers. Maybe I was not reassuring enough. Was I nervous myself about taking on this huge undertaking, from being alone for over ten years to suddenly having three other people in my family. Maybe she sensed my nervousness. I was extremely excited too. She should have sensed that too then. It still hurts when I think about it.

Then again, I have wonderful friends who have rushed to my aid when they realized I was down. What would I do without these friends! One of the best ones I will only refer to as 'CC' as she is called by her family. She is such a wonderful person who worries like a mother about people near and dear to her. I don't know how she has so much energy to care.

I have agreed to meet more people and see if one of them turns out to be my life partner, but I just am not sure anymore if I am really cut out to be anyone's life partner. Often I feel like dedicating my life to charity causes. That will not fit in well with any of the people I have met so far. They may say in words that they like it but for them their charity begins and stays at home and family. I really feel lost sometimes wondering where I belong.

I should probably go to a Vipasana camp and meditate about what I want out of life. My sister went and she has been raving about it ever since. I can't seem to get calmed down enough to get myself to go 10 days without speaking, just meditating. Let us see. Maybe this year I will go.